Friendship challenges for autistic children

Friendships play an important role in all children's social and emotional development.

Although it’s a common misconception that autistic children don’t want friends, this is completely untrue - they may simply need more support to form and maintain these important relationships. A supportive circle of friends can increase self-esteem and help children manage emotions and develop skills such as negotiation, cooperation, and problem-solving.

Autistic children might face challenges during social interactions and when trying to form friendships. These challenges can vary but usually include difficulties with anxiety, social communication and understanding nonverbal cues. For some autistic children, friendship might feel like playing a game where everyone else knows the rules except for them.

Common signs of social communication difficulties in autistic children include:

• Appearing withdrawn or unusually quiet in social settings.
• Being indifferent to social interaction or other people.
• Preferring to play alone rather than with others or in a group.
• Accepting social contact when initiated but rarely initiating it themselves.
• Approaching social interactions in ways that might be considered atypical, such as being overly formal or strictly adhering to certain social scripts or rules, panicking or becoming upset when these rules aren’t followed by others.

Every child’s approach to friendship is different. Some might find joy in parallel play, such as using toys in a sandpit without directly interacting with the person next to them. Others may engage more actively through games or form a friendship group in the digital world. Whatever way an autistic child approaches friendship, any goals supporting them to socialise should meet them at their developmental stage, current capabilities, and comfort level. 

Social skills

There are several social skills that are key to making and keeping friends:

Communication skills

Communication is an important skill for making friends. It involves receptive language skills (understanding what others are communicating) and self-expression. Children might use verbal communication, gestures, sign language, or alternative augmented communication (AAC). It’s important to remember that nonverbal children or children with minimal verbal language can still have relationships with others. 

Joint attention

This involves sharing focus with another person on an object or activity, which is essential for interactive play and learning from peers. Challenges in this area can make it difficult for a child to engage with others and participate in group activities.

Imitation

Many social interactions involve imitating others. This could be copying actions, types of play, or verbal expressions. Imitation helps children learn new skills from their peers and interact in social situations.

Behavioural skills

Behavioural challenges can be a barrier to forming friendships. Skills like sharing and managing emotions during play are critical. Learning how to cope calmly with the ups and downs of play (e.g., winning or losing a game) is also important.

Sensory processing

Children with autism often experience sensory sensitivities. Supporting children in navigating their sensory sensitivities safety (e.g., with noise-cancelling headphones or learning to identify when sensory overload is happening) can help them remain comfortable and engaged in social situations. 

Gross and fine motor skills

‍Participating in play often requires a blend of motor skills. Whether it’s running, jumping, or playing with small objects, these physical abilities enable children to engage fully in play activities, which are important for friendships among young children.

Other skills

Other skills, such as sharing, turn-taking, and responding to social cues help form friendships. Emotional development helps children understand and react to the feelings of others, improving their interactions and relationships.

Teaching and practising social skills

‍Teaching and practising these skills with an autistic child can build their confidence, preparing them to interact socially with others and build friendships. Here are some tips for parents/carers supporting children with these skills:

Start small

Start with basic social skills and gradually progress to more complex ones as your child becomes more confident. Practice these skills in many different settings with different people (e.g., family, friends, in the community) so your child feels comfortable in different social situations. 

Use real-life examples

Use real-life situations and examples to teach social skills (e.g., asking your child to speak to the cashier in a shop). If your child uses assistive technology to communicate, use this in the community as much as possible. 

Reduce social stressors

Identify and manage potential triggers in social settings to prevent overwhelming situations for your child (e.g., a play date in a noisy indoor play area might not be ideal if your child is sensitive to crowds and loud noises).

Work with therapists and early learning or school staff

Work with educators and/or therapists who support your child to include teaching social skills in their everyday routine. This might involve buddy programs, helping create a circle of friends, or structured social lessons. 

If applicable, add social skill development goals into IEPs or similar documents to ensure that these needs are addressed formally within educational settings.

Moving to friendships 

Autistic children must have consistent support for making friends at home, school, and in community environments. Making and having friends should be an opportunity in as many areas of a child’s life as possible. 

Home-based strategies

• Teach emotions by starting with the basics—happy, sad, and angry—and gradually including more complex feelings like surprise or confusion.
• Use visual supports like cartoons to teach facial expressions and emotions. Engage in activities that require mimicking expressions or understanding social cues from facial expressions.
• Encourage your child to recognise that others may have different thoughts and feelings. This can be initiated through simple comparisons and discussions about preferences and choices.
• Explain the concepts of winning and losing and the structure of games to prevent misunderstandings during play. Teach your child to recognise potential playmates based on shared interests and give them some examples of conversation starters they can use. 
• Use tools like talking sticks or timers to teach turn-taking in conversations. Board games can also be a fun way to teach these skills.
• Teach your child how to navigate making mistakes and losing in a game, and most importantly, how to continue socialising after these things happen. Visual aids can help with this.

Community-based strategies

• Know your child’s interests and strengths to connect them with like-minded peers through clubs, activities, and community groups.
• Plan inclusive activities that cater to your child’s interests and comfort level at home or in community settings. Structured groups like scouts or martial arts classes can offer supportive environments for social interaction.
• Use community resources such as playgroups and special interest classes to provide your child with additional opportunities to meet and interact with peers.

Clinical settings

If your child is supported by a therapy team, work closely with them to integrate skills learned in therapy into everyday situations. Consistency and reinforcement across environments are key to successful skill transfer. 

Although early intervention programs can support autistic children to develop social skills, these skills must also be practised outside of clinical settings. Social situations vary and are always unpredictable, something that is difficult to replicate in a clinical environment. The best way to build your child’s confidence in social settings is to practise these skills in as many places as possible. 

Parent training

Knowing how to support your child in developing social skills and friendships can be overwhelming. Seeking education and support for yourself can help you assist your child more confidently in different situations. Participating in social skill practice in your child’s therapy sessions, or completing courses for parents and carers in teaching social skills, can be very beneficial. 

When participating in your child’s therapy, focus on gaining practical strategies around friendships that you can apply at home and in the community. When looking for helpful parent training, search for something that is practical and hands-on and is created and facilitated by qualified professionals.